Dirty Sheets

Posts Tagged ‘no actual sex’

So I’ve got this strange thing happening here in my head. Here’s how it goes:

– Filament Magazine needs more money so they can switch to a publisher who’ll print pictures of guys with erections.

– I have, in the past, not been terribly excited about Filament, due to the whole ‘let’s objectify everyone!’ thing.

– I watch porn. I like watching porn (or at least I like watching the good porn that I’ve found).

– If I could, I would start my own porn company that specializes in the kind of stuff that I find hot.

– Most people tend to agree that porn objectifies people. (I think sometimes yes, sometimes no. It depends.)

– So if I like/watch/want to create porn AND I do NOT like/want to objectify anyone… Why haven’t I been rendered incapable of coherent thought by the cognitive dissonance?

Maybe I’m a terrible feminist? Maybe I’m more flexible in my thinking than I first suspected? Maybe it’s just that I’m confused? It’s very strange.

What I got was Boy Butter.

I can totally see Finch insisting on Boy Butter, or better yet insisting that Herbert buy it to use while they’re out of town, because it’s the kind of thing that would make Herbert twitchy to carry around in his luggage. (He’d be fidgety over a bottle of plain ol’ KY, but not twitchy.) … And in fact I can see Finch surrepititiously removing all lubes from their luggage in order to force the purchase of Boy Butter just so he could watch Herbert squirm (yes, it’s intentional). Finch is a consummate brat, if you hadn’t guessed.

What I was actually curious about is whether lube was available for purchase in the mid-1920’s. I choose the weirdest things to be accurate about — I don’t care about sidewalks or busses because it’s my story and I can have busses and sidewalks if I wanna, but underwear and lube have to be true-to-life? WELCOME TO MY HEAD, PLEASE KEEP HANDS AND ARMS INSIDE THE VEHICLE AT ALL TIMES.

I don’t get it. I have written sex scenes ranging from the stupidly oblique (O hai, Marc/Vic first time!) to featuring exceeding explicit dialogue (Finch/Herbert fucking in the kitchen/living room). I have written mostly mansex, with occasional forays into straight-vanilla territory (hey Carrot, Ilsther).

WHY THE FUCK IS WRITING JASPER/PEREGRINE SO FUCKING HARD? (and please ignore all of the totally unintentional puns in that despairing cry, kthx)

I love parts of it — Jasper’s bit about royal balls being my absolute favorite because it’s just SO AWFUL — but I’m FINALLY to the bit where they just get on with getting it on and I am seriously stuck. I open the file, reread it, stare at the end, try to come up with the next line, and all I can do is “Peregrine fucked him; they both liked it and they came; MOVE ON TO NEXT SCENE THANKS.” which totally doesn’t work in something that’s going to be submitted.

And I AM GOING TO SUBMIT IT, even if it kills me, because I wasn’t going to write the damn thing in the first place and it’s almost DONE, now, EXCEPT FOR THE FUCKING. AND IT’S TOO FUCKING LATE TO START ON THE STEADFAST TIN SOLDIER.

The deadline for getting stories in is the seventh of July. It’s already the 18th of June. (Okay, so I probably COULD retell TSTS, but I’d have to hurry and since retelling that one requires ripping some of the more important internal organs out and stuffing clockwork bastardizations in their place (i.e. I fucking HATE the end of TSTS. MY version would have a HAPPY ending. Plus there’s a few changes I’d have to wedge in to meet the ‘please include HAWT SEXXORS’ requirement of the sub call. And now I seriously want to write it because I suddenly had a flash of the titular Soldier being a female and that way I can keep the pretty dancer as a female and GOOD LORD I DON’T HAVE TIME!)

*Whimpering sigh* Okay, I feel better now. I still don’t know what’s the matter with me, but at least I’ve gotten the freaking out over with.

Apparently, Nerve.com is going to be changing, and it doesn’t sound good.

From the article:

Nerve “is going to be a smart [online] magazine that covers sex, dating, relationships, entertainment and all things of interest for a growing readership” of single adults, says new CEO Sean Mills, who was most recently President of the arch humor outpost The Onion.

The most significant change to Nerve, which launched in 1997, will be in how little nudity will be on the revamped site. Mills said that Nerve’s premium and members-only photo archives, which contain many photos that display substantial expanses of naked skin, will be spun off into a new, as-yet-untitled external subscription site.

So, while rereading something I’d sent to Mari, I happened to notice that one of the ads along the edge of it was for ‘Mistress’ stuff at Cafe Press. So, I took a look, just to see… Some of the stuff isn’t anything I’d ever buy or wear (a junior’s spaghetti-strap tank reading ‘Mistress’ toilet’ with an arrow pointing upward? Really? Um, EW, for several reasons.), but some things are making me wish I’d not spent all of my vacation money on, well, vacation.

For instance, there’s a shirt reading “There WILL be pain involved. But only if you ask nicely.” Or you can wear the definition of ’submissive’ on your chest. Tell the world how much She Who Must Be Obeyed means to you with a bumpersticker. Fair warning for the rest of your household… And sometimes, the safest thing to do is just smile and say ‘Yes, Mistress!’. I think my favorite thing, so far, is the various items emblazoned with “Everything means another spanking.” (Though I have to say that I’d have put ‘everything’ in all caps or in italics while the rest was in plain text, but that’s just me.)

Some things are badly spelled, or poorly punctuated, but there are gems to be found.

I don’t know if it’s a meds imbalance or if I’m gearing up for a really lovely bout of PMS or if it’s just the annoying headache I’ve got, but I’ve been more irked by commenters on Sim Secret tonight than I have been in a LONG time. Specifically regarding this secret:

Some asshole said:

[Secret Number] Someone doesn’t know how to have sex. Guess what, not opening your legs is even better than having them open when it goes in. VIRGIN.

Sure, you could interpret the text that way, but why would you? The idea behind that particular pose is that those sims are supposed to be having sex; it would look more like actual sexual intercourse if her legs were open/wrapped around him (and if they were naked, but that’s a different complaint altogether). It has nothing to do with what “feels better” or whether someone’s a virgin or not. I fucking HATE assholes like this, who assume that because someone has never done something they couldn’t possibly have an opinion about that same thing one way or another.

I’ve never gone winter-camping, but I already know I wouldn’t enjoy it. Why the fuck should I have to do it before I make that declaration? It combines two of my least favorite things, winter and camping, so of course I’m not going to enjoy it! Would I find it more arousing and somewhat more realistic if her legs were open? Yes. Does it matter that I’ve never tried sex in the position depicted? No.

* And while this has never happened to me, either, I’m also certain that I would not enjoy it, either.

I love amature porn. I was looking for clips of people spanking/being spanked so’s to get something of a better idea of what I’m writing about (no, really! …Why are you looking at me like that?) and I found this one. The spanking isn’t bad. It’s a little more vanilla than I was really looking for, but y’know, there’s nothing wrong with vanilla. I like vanilla. *Waves a hand* The thing about the clip for me that took it from ‘ooh, hot!’ to ‘oooh dear’ was the fact that near the end, a little white dog hops up on the couch. And looking at the living room behind the pair, you can tell that they didn’t do much to disguise the house. Sure, you have no idea what either of them look like, what with his head being cut off and her face obscured by her hair, but the house? Not so much.

Anyhow, I have to run off and do other things. After while, I’ll post my current project, and like that.

While I was perusing the Best Finds thread over at Garden Of Shadows, I came across a link to an item that someone was all thrilled with. The link was to a thread over at Back Alley Sims, which is (as you might suspect) an adult site… The item in question is this:

I would SO download it in a heartbeat, if I only had University! And while I have the money to buy the Uni expansion, I am SERIOUSLY not interested in giving EA any more of my money. *Waves a hand* That’s another post on a different blog, though.

Anyhow, if I could download this, I so would — and then I’d recreate my MotH houses, ’cause I lost them in the great Accidental Neighborhood Purge. *Sigh* I had Caleb, Hanoki, and Master in one, and then I created the house of Whispers and Silk? No, ’cause the second thing is always a way to kill someone. Um. It was Whispers and something, headed by Mistress Whisper and populated with two random female sims, one of whom was quite butch-looking (yay for the Androgeny meshes!) and the other was more normal-looking, not that I remember their names, along with fCaleb wearing one of the few SimmerGirl conversions I can stand and Hanoki. I got exactly one picture of those two:

…and then I deleted them. By accident. *whinewhine* At any rate, the Birching horse/spanking rack would fit in those houses perfectly. I’ll hush, now, and go write another post I’ve been working on all week!

Someday, I’ll find my dictionary of slang and euphemism. For right now, though, I have that miraculous thing known as the internet!

Woody’s Big List Of Penis Euphemisms

Geeky/Academic Euphemisms For Masturbating (male-only, because apparently women don’t masturbate.)

Richard & Kitty’s Large List of Euphemisms for Sexual Intercourse

…And it took me until just now to get the significance of ‘Richard’ and ‘Kitty’ being the people responsible for that last list. *Rolls eyes*

This is mostly to make sure that I remember the password to this blog. You’d think that with something resembling a job I’d be up to me ears in productive ideas, both smutty and non, but you’d be wrong. Alas.

…I do have some Melishti-smut I could post, but I’m not really happy with it. What I really really want is Bloodflame/Pers smut, because those two are still dancing around the fact that they like each other more than friends do, so, y’know. Just fuck already, damnit! (Yeah, that’ll happen when -they’re- ready for it. *Sigh*)

I’ve been poking around, looking for cheap voice-to-text software so’s I can write while I ride my bike — I can put my computer on the top of one of my short bookcases, where I can reach it to scroll through pages and open links and stuff, but there’s no way I can type and ride at the same time. Well, unless I build an articulated arm with a tray on the end of it. Which I could do, but that takes time and engineering, which I’m not so great at.

So that’s really all the news that is news, at least on the smutty side of things.