Dirty Sheets

Archive for the ‘Sex In General’ Category

The on-screen keyboard was awful — I got punctuation in the middle of my sentences, where I didn't want/need it; I also didn't like the auto-correct feature. 

The other thing I'm not keen on is the way Apple has set themselves up as arbiters of decency. Steve Jobs himself has stated that Apple is offering "freedom from porn". At what point does porn begin? At what point does their control end? Will there be a requirement in the future that apps must have a built in censor/filter, so that if I were to try to write a sex scene, it would refuse to show all those porny words? What if it was as indiscriminate as some bulletin-board censoring software, so that one could not write anything about the breastular Hitchrooster(ian) bottomistant? 

I am an adult. I am perfectly capable of determining what offends me, what disturbs me, and what I want to spend my money on. 

I have parents, a mother and a father each. (I also have a step-mother, so technically I've got THREE parents!) There is no reason that I need a stranger nor a corporation to parent me. Much like Amazon's GLBTQ?-book rankings #amazonfail, this is an unimpressive imposition of someone else's morals on myself. 

It's one thing entirely if I am a minor answering to my own parents; it is another entirely to have a complete stranger claiming that I do not, cannot know what is good for me, what is good for my own family. I have things on my personal laptop that I would be mortified to have my mother see, but it is MY laptop. I use it; I am, as an adult, responsible solely for myself and the content of my computer. 

It would be the same were I to have children. If there was something I didn't want them to see, I would be a PARENT and do my job to make sure they didn't see it, until they were either mature enough or old enough that I no longer had any legal responsibility to do so. I would not leave my children to the tender mercies of Steve Jobs, because he is not part of my family. His personal moral crusade is not my personal moral crusade, therefore I see no reason that he should be part of my parenting decisions — outside of choosing NOT to expose my children to his PMC as a positive thing. 

1) Guys really do seem to be obsessed with size — as in, male authors tend to make sure you know exactly how big the guy's ('tagonist of whichever side or mere fucktoy) willy is. (Whenever I encounter things like that in my porn, I get this image of a person with a micrometer and a clipboard.) Female authors, on the other hand, not so much.

And Mr. Hanon is correct in that there are exceptions to this; I've seen at least two recently. 

2) In relation to the foregoing, the article about pegging mentions that anything going into the anus feels twice as large as it actually is. This makes me even more convinced that anyone who carries on about a cock two beer-cans* long and a tuna-can wide before it goes into an orifice has NO CLUE what that would actually feel like. (I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure I** couldn't accommodate something that freakin' huge. And I am dead certain none of my characters could, either.)

I'm relieved to hear that there are people out there who think over-the-top descriptions of outsized equipment on a dude are just silly — I was beginning to wonder if maybe some of my rejections were based on the fact that I've never actually lovingly described any of my guys' bits and pieces in excruciating detail. (And you know me, if I was going to be detailed, I'd be talking about millimeters and degrees of cant and that kind of thing. Heh.)

* By 'beer can' I mean your standard US 12 ounce can, not like a Foster's or a Heinekin mini-keg.

** Yeah, I know, there are men/women out there who take on things like the business end of a Louisville slugger, among other large, more-or-less phallic, items. This is why I make a point of I-statements — because I am the only one I can talk about with any kind of authority. 

that so many guys are complaining about/ranting about/viciously attacking the relative attractiveness of Chris Crocker's penis. 

Dudes. It's a penis. They're inherently funny-looking. Have you ever seen one? Better yet, look at some pictures featuring two or more penises. They ALL look weird! They're not gorgeous! They are weird fleshy protuberances! Foreskin or no, they. Are. Bizarre. 

Not that vulvae are any more attractive in the cold light of day, mind you. They're all…flappy and floppy and strange. 

Anyhow. *waves a hand* Not that I think either set of genitals is evil or anything, it's just that they're all equally strange-looking. 

Also for the record: I have no objection to Crocker's appearance from the neck down (reminds me of someone else on Tumblr, actually); from the neck up I recommend some quality time with a comb/brush and possibly a slightly different way of using makeup. Other than the infamous 'Leave Britney Alone' video (which I have never seen), I know nothing about Crocker and can therefore offer no opinion one way or the other. 

So, smirky one first: I have this character who declared that he wasn’t sure why, but he likes the way it looks when toppings run over the edge of a cup/glass/cone/cake/etc. After I wrote that, I was looking at pictures and saw a few that featured semen dripping down the backs of guys’ fingers. Et voila, I knew what he found compelling.

Not Smirky: I have this character; let’s call him Nollie Prettypanties (no, it’s not his real name; now I kinda want to have a drag queen/king with that name, though…). Nollie’s fairly kinky, and one of his more recently discovered kinks is that he likes dressing up in women’s underthings.

He likes it primarily because his boyfriend tells him how hot he looks and calls him things like ‘pretty’ and ‘lovely’ and ‘mine all mine’, but he likes the way the fabrics feel and the colors and that sort of thing. He doesn’t have to wear them all the time, but he enjoys it when he does.

As a result of Nollie’s predilection for, well, pretty panties, I’ve poked my nose into all kinds of different lingerie shops online. Cute things, pretty things, unusual things; I’ve saved pictures of all sorts of different styles. About the only thing they’ve had in common is that none of them will fit me.

And this is where the discovery comes in: to an extent, Nollie’s a stand-in for me. He gets to wear the pretty panties and the gorgeous bras that no one wants to sell me. He gets to have someone look at him, in these clothes, and tell him how incredibly desirable he is, how sexy and arousing. He gets to be called pet names, given pleasure, and generally be loved.

If I didn’t know that my situation was pretty much my own damn fault (except for the bra thing, because it’s not like I chose the size of my ribcage), I’d be far more upset than I am. Mostly I’m just kind of sad, really. I’m also glad, though, because despite the fact that Nollie gets the things I want, he’s very definitely NOT me, nor is he a Gary Stu.

xkcd: Porn For Women.

This is awesome and must be passed around as much as possible, because, seriously. In my porn, people fuck. And they LIKE it.

A picture of a hirsute young man, masturbating and using a dildo/vibrator and a video of another, less-hairy guy doing the same thing with a buttplug instead.

I’m posting these here because I don’t often see men using toys. I mean, I know they do, since you can buy all sorts of things designed specifically for prostate massage and the like.

I wanted to mention the video specifically because the person who posted it (either the original poster to Xtube or the Tumblr poster) titled it with “str8″ guy plays with butt plug. This bothers me because last I knew whether you derive pleasure from having something in your ass wasn’t tied directly and irrevocably to your spot on the Kinsey scale.

The other thing about the video is that I didn’t watch the whole thing. It’s not because it’s bad, it’s just that, well… The guy pulls the buttplug out of his ass, and, as far as I can tell he LICKS it before he puts it back.

I’m a virgo and I’ve been through food-handler’s licensing twice. I can deal with rimming by telling myself over and over again that they’ve washed, but this was beyond the pale and I simply couldn’t go any further. It’s a squick I just won’t ever get over, and that’s okay. As ever, if you think it’s hot, by all means please enjoy yourself, but I beg you: DO NOT TELL ME about it. Okay? Thanks, I love you too.

Impetus Inconcessus.

This is simultaneously one of the most confusing and somewhat disturbing pictures I’ve seen in a long time. It’s not violent or gory or anything — it’s a rather arty black-and-white close-up shot of what looks like a stainless-steel manual orange juicer, being inserted into a woman’s vagina* — but all I can think of is that the juicer is likely cold and I KNOW it has a sharpish point and and and…

Yeah. So I think it’s strange, not arousing. But if you like it, knock yourself out!

* It only now occurs to me that, as only women posess vaginae, this is redundant. However, only mentioning the vagina by itself makes it sound as if there’s nothing else around, just this poor little orphan body part wandering around on its (her?) lonesome.

Hi. I’m Mausie and I am WEIRD.

I don’t need saccharine romantic story lines to get wet – I want to see relatable people and fucking. When I look at porn, I want to see people getting sweaty, aroused, smiling and laughing, being “imperfect”, and in realistic locations and situations, not a “fantasy hay loft where the muscular stable boy makes sweet gentle love to me while never ruffling my feathered hair.”

- via sex is not the enemy.

“Frat buddies in bed” fromgayforit.com, via eroticoddities.

It’s about 20 minutes long, and the first half is by turns sweet/tender and creepy. The second half is just straightforward wanking, though it does feature something I’ve never seen before — a guy not-quite-fingering himself.

The first half is creepy due to the fact that guy A is jerking off to guy B, except that B happens to be asleep (theoretically). A moves the blanket, pulls down B’s undies, kisses his shoulder/neck, and touches his ass… But B is asleep, so he can’t consent to any of it, which is what strikes me as creepy.

The sweetness comes in because A moves slowly, touches him gently, and when he’s done, he covers B up again. It’s weird, and it makes me feel odd because on the one hand, non-con; on the other, he’s not hurting the guy… But it’s not healthy to excuse non-con behavior and and and…

On the other other hand, it’s freakin’ porn. It’s probably staged as all get-out, and we can assume that the participants have consented to what happens. Also, I’m probably thinking WAY too hard/much about this.

The M/M video embedded in this post at Wanking Material is forty-five minutes long. Not every one of them is hot, but a LOT of them are.

It’s also a rather unique video in that I saw the following, none of which I’d ever encountered before:
– During the requisite blowjob portion, the guy going down went too far, gagged, and had to take a moment to wipe his eyes before getting back to it.
– Fingering! One and two! Seriously, you almost NEVER see prep in anal videos.
– The bottom’s cock was dripping.
– When it was the dark-haired guy’s turn to bottom, it sounded like he asked the light-haired guy to come in his ass. (I could have misheard him. I’ll be watching this again, eventually, so I’ll check. The top didn’t, of course, because that would have been entirely too novel for a porn vid.)

Some caveats, before you run off to watch it:
– The camera-work is SERIOUSLY amature. There’s one point at which the cameraman just about turns himself inside out to avoid getting more of the lighting equipment in the shot (never mind that about a minute and a half before he didn’t notice that he’d gotten the bases of the lights…); then not too long after that there’s a dizzying shot that basically shows off the entire room.
– Some of the editing is irritating, too. The only cut that I have any real issue with is the one that occurs at about the thirty-minute mark, because it made me feel cheated.
– If you’re like me and DO NOT WANT to hear anyone except the performers, be warned that there’s at least one instance (around the 35 minute mark or so) of someone off-screen telling them what to do. (I had to mute the first 25 minutes, so I don’t know about the rest of it.)

Points Of Interest:
– No music, if you like/hate that kind of thing.
– Check out the clock on the wall above the loveseat – it’s either broken or doesn’t have a battery.
– Lube! (On the hearth.)
– Really odd/eclectic decor. Not horrible, just unusual.